Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
