Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
