please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize