Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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