Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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