based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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