At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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