I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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