If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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