you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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