escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
