You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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