you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
