I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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