Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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