there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
