What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
