we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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