I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
