shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
