I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
