His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
