I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
