my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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