checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
