I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
