I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
