here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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