Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
