Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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