She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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