Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize