how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize