Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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