we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I want is dick and wine.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
