6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
