singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize