she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
