Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
