and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
