i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
