did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
