Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
