I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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