I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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