No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
