The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
