WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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