You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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