and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
