Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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