your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
