DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
