I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
