Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
is wine microwaveable?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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