I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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