I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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