Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
