sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
