Walk of Shame. In a state park.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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