Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize