We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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