You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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