I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
