I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Let's paint friendship bongs
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
